


this got long! a ridiculous self-insert exploration of being mcreynolds’ fuck buddy

by missmagoo



Category: Everybody Wants Some!! (2016)
Genre: Casual Sex, Cunnilingus, F/M, Fuckbuddies, McReynolds is the mistake you made at a frat party... several times, Nonsense, Not!Fic, chatfic, shameless self insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:02:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8032432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmagoo/pseuds/missmagoo
Summary: Literally just c/p'd chatfic in which poetry-protest-pornography and I work out our inexplicable attraction to Tyler Hoechlin's god awful mustache in Everybody Wants Some.Written before the film's release, so McReynolds' character is entirely based on the trailer and promo shots.





	this got long! a ridiculous self-insert exploration of being mcreynolds’ fuck buddy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [maiNuoire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maiNuoire/gifts).



[@minervamagooglie](https://tmblr.co/mJN4KOvmSo_A8kg_DozFeew) 

oh my god, all of the “Everybody Wants Some” promo is making me so sexually confused  
damn you, Hoechstache!  
  
[@poetry-protest-pornography](https://tmblr.co/mAUYghjLAT0yr5J_YPmOEqg)  
Right? Like, that shouldn’t be making me feel things. It’s objectively awful and funny. But… Hot?  
  
minervamagooglie  
There’s something about McReynolds. Like… you want to sleep with him even though you know you’ll hate yourself in the morning  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
But also, totally do it again  
  
minervamagooglie  
Yep. Every weekend. Every frat party  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Yep  
  
minervamagooglie  
You’re friends are all like “Ew! How could you? It’s MCREYNOLDS!” And you’re like, “Yeah. I know. So gross. Total lapse in judgement” and then two days later it happens again  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And you can’t even defend yourself, because you totally don’t know why you keep going back  
  
minervamagooglie  
He’s totally the kind of guy who falls asleep right after he comes  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Exactly!  
  
minervamagooglie  
and then if you’re still there in the morning, he’s like “You’re still here?”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And you can’t even pretend you like him.   
But. The sex.  
  
minervamagooglie  
He seems like the kind of guy who would just be totally selfish and jackrabbit you into the mattress, but despite all appearances the sex is actually amazing  
He LOVES going down  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Yessss  
  
minervamagooglie  
Like. LOVES it  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And he applies himself to the task like he only does to like, frat shit  
  
minervamagooglie  
YES  
His primary goal is to make you come so loudly you wake up the freshman who passed out on the couch at nine thirty

poetry-protest-pornography  
yes. Because 1) fuck that guy, and 2) everyone should hear the evidence of his majesty in bed

minervamagooglie  
exactly  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Also, 3) it’s cool if you’re enjoying yourself he guesses  
  
minervamagooglie  
Sometimes he gets so worked up about how good he is in bed, that he comes just from hearing you scream  
completely untouched  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And that shouldn’t be so sexy, because narcissism, but it totally fucking is  
  
minervamagooglie  
And, like, you know it’s not that he gives a shit about you. It’s a total ego trip  
but, like, these are the best fucking orgasms you’ve ever had  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
The best  
  
minervamagooglie  
So even when you make your friends SWEAR they won’t let you fall into bed with him this time  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
You totally sneak away/distract them so you can  
  
minervamagooglie  
all he really has to do is smirk at you from across the room, and you’re ready to go  
It gets more exhibitionist the longer it goes on, too  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Because that fucking smirk, and that ridiculous moustache do things to you  
Yep. From his bedroom, to the first floor bathroom with the crazy line, to the place everyone dumps their coats… The kitchen  
  
minervamagooglie  
instead of waiting til the party’s over and everyone’s passed out or gone home, he’ll eat you out in the downstairs bathroom, making you scream for it in the pantry where everyone can hear  
And when he’s done, he just smirks, and wanders back to his frat buddies who hand him another beer and clap him on the back  
and you drift, still dazed and fucked out, back to your friends who just go, “oh honey, again?”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Your friends are like “again” and all you can do is grin stupidly, still on a post orgasm haze  like “yep”  
  
minervamagooglie  
You fall out of touch after he finally graduates, and you don’t really give him much thought for the next ten, fifteen years or so…  
And then you go to your reunion, and guess who’s there….  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And then there’s some sort of reunion or football game or something…  
And he has a slightly cleaner version of the stache…  
  
minervamagooglie  
And McReynolds still has that fucking moustache, only now it’s slightly salt-and-pepper  
And you have no idea if he’s had it this whole time, or if he grew it back for nostalgia’s sake  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And if he’s not married, you really need to see if he still knows what to do with it  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
At this point, the few girlfriends you’ve caught up with notice you notice him, and just go “oh, fuck, girl. Really?”  
  
minervamagooglie  
Especially because, like, you’re going through a divorce or a bad breakup. And you could really use some amazing, utterly meaningless sex right now  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
You.DESERVE IT  
  
minervamagooglie  
And you shrug at your girlfriends, and just say, “Old habits, right?”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Old habits make you come hard, ladies  
  
minervamagooglie  
And of course there’s a total frat-style party, even if it starts 4 hours earlier than any respectable frat party ever did back when you guys were 20  
because you may be reliving your glory days, but y'all are in your 40s now (ok, so it’s the 20 year reunion) and at least half of you are going to be asleep by 10  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
(I can’t believe I said that last thing. Oh man…lol)  
  
minervamagooglie  
I am thrilled that you said that last thing  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Ha! I guess it was pretty good, right?   
  
So you get respectably tipsy and catch his eye  
  
minervamagooglie  
Oh man, now I want to make 40-year-old McReynolds still a shitty person to date, but a totally awesome dad  
Like, he’s that dude that’s constantly bitching about his shrew of an ex wife, and how much paying alimony fucking sucks  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Oh god, that’s good stuff. Total jerk but amazing with kids  
  
minervamagooglie  
and then his five-year-old daughter pokes the back of his legs and says, “daddy, I’m bored” and suddenly he’s a completely different person  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And you want to still hate him, but he’s like, actually smiles then  
  
minervamagooglie  
you’re just like…. fuck  
McReynolds is a human being, when did that happen?  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And it’s problematic  
  
minervamagooglie  
But, like, when his kid (or ok, kids in general) aren’t around, he’s totally the same old lech  
  
minervamagooglie  
Like, he openly oogles the current undergrads, and the first thing he says to you when he sees you is “damn, you’re keeping it tight. What do you do, pilates?”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And you openly roll your eyes and kind of flick him in the shoulder, because you’re a grown woman now, and that shit isn’t cute  
  
minervamagooglie  
And you’re like, “no wonder your wife left, you dick” – but just in your head, because you’re not actually coldhearted enough to say that out loud  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
But also, “damn right”  
  
minervamagooglie  
But then he just kinda tilts his head and goes, “you wanna?”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And yes, yes you do  
  
minervamagooglie  
And since your kids aren’t with you, you just text Sherryl, who you’re splitting a room with, and let her know to give you an hour  
Then McReynolds slaps your ass and just kind of leaves his hand there  
and you text Sherry, “ok, maybe two”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Two and a half tops  
  
minervamagooglie  
AT MOST. Which is why it kind of shocks you when you wake up and it’s morning, and McReyolds is still lying next to you, and the contents of the minibar is demolished  
and you have 11 texts from Sherryl, the last of which informs you that Cindy has an extra bed and she’s gonna sleep there  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And when he wakes up and says “Hey”   
  
minervamagooglie  
And just because you can’t resist the role reversal, you say, “You’re still here?”  
And he grins at you like you’re in on the joke together  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And it feels almost… Nice?  
  
minervamagooglie  
And then, of course, McReynolds ruins it by asking if you still need to wear condoms when you fuck  
and you’re like, WHY WOULDN’T WE? I AM NOT HAVING YOUR BABY, MCREYNOLDS!  
And he’s like, “but, like, menopause, right?”  
and you’re like, “THAT IS 15 FUCKING YEARS AWAY YOU DICK!”  
and then he cracks up and won’t stop laughing, and when you finally get him to answer what’s so funny, he just says, “you’re face!” before collapsing into another fit of laughter  
  
minervamagooglie  
And you’re like “Ugh! Why do I even like you, you dick?”  
and suddenly he gets all serious  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And then you’re mildly horrified to take you do like him  
  
minervamagooglie  
and he asks, way too vulnerably for a grown-ass man, “do you really?”  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
And, shit  
  
minervamagooglie  
Oh man, this was not supposed to end with McReynolds actually ending up with our ridiculous self-insert  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
Right? Oops  
  
minervamagooglie  
That said, when you finally introduce McReynolds to your three-year-old son, he smiles really big and says, “Hey, buddy” all soft and sweet and totally not McReynolds like  
and your son darts out from behind your legs, stomps on McReynolds’ foot, and sprints in the opposite direction  
It’s your proudest day as a mother  
  
poetry-protest-pornography  
You laugh. Loudly. And he’s just looks stunned for a moment and then grins  
  
minervamagooglie  
“I’ll win him over,” he says with a cocky grin. Besides, it can’t be all bad since your son seems to hero worship McReynolds’ daughter, who’s two whole years older and knows how to count all the way to a hundred  
(You never do adapt to using McReynolds’ first name, which all your friends think is super weird)


End file.
